These are the things i can do with out....

Ive been having a sort of recap of my life, and im trying to understand why i am the way i am. And how different circumstances could have changed everything... i cant change the pass but i want to learn from it. im having a hard time with life right now, im struggling. The only people i have and love are the ones that hurt me the most. I wish i was stronger and truly didn't cared . I think certain obstacles take that away from me...Sometimes i feel so different specially compared to my family members. im growing up so i have my own thoughts, values, and morals and i dont always agree with them. We have all had a tough life... People are miserable, and you know the saying "misery loves company", right? Its just gets too much for me to handle and they dont get that. Dont they understand that this is not they way anyone envisions their life?maybe they have conformed to it... they think im weak because i cry...it just so happens that since birth crying has been a sign that you are ALIVE! i dont want to be depressed... its just too much negativity for me.. ugh... but im holding on because deep down i dont want to let go and i have my faith in Christ. Some where in my mind im thinking, "this too shall pass" and i will have my happy ending and if i can over come this i can over come anything.. i just wish in the mean time i could at least have my moms support and be more understanding because im falling and although the lord is lifting me up some how i wish my mom was holding on to my other hand. I hate sounding like some suicidal teenager!!! im not. i think life is beautiful. The thing is im a very sensitive person despite what people may think and when it comes to my freedom i loose my mind because i want too many things. but im trying and i hope this year will be my year because i want joy in my life.I hate not having control over my life.. and i hate not being able to escape the negativity, i know in my heart life doesnt have to feel this way.. i guess right now i just wish my mom would be around more.. because despite what she may think im most happiest when i spend time with her.. and considering how things are going i sure need that. its just that out of anyone it should be your family that should understand you the most, but i find thats not always the case... i know that my mom and the rest of my family have their own problems to deal with, they have their own inner demons to face, which is way i try to be understanding.. but its hard when everyone feels sad one way or another, we take it out on each other, its just bad energy..We need a light in our home, Evone thinks i should be light.. but it seems like to much responsibility for me lol My light is christ... I think my Aunt is my moms light... but it doesnt have to be like that.. she has her children!! us! and most importantly she has God too..I think what makes me me sad the the most is, i know she is hurting too... i wish she would realized that so am i, and that maybe that could make our relationship stronger instead of tearing us apart...Maybe spending time with me woudnt be that bad and we could be happy even if just for a moment. My mother is never going to change ... not for her kids and not for her self, i have to except it. Sometimes i think she even prefers this life. I just pray i dont make the same mistakes. I dont want to be angry...thats why this is such a long post. im gonna try and just focus on me the best i can.. keep my faith up and keep dreaming even if it kills me to do so. And i mean eventually my aunt is going to have to leave.. even if its four years from now. regardless, im done begging for her relationship. And i have to remember that it was her choice. she is the one distancing her self from me. Its not my fault she cant manage her time with people. Im growing up, ima try not to resent her but it might just happen..